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i used to love taking showers until october 20, 2017.
在2017年10月20日之前，我一直很享受洗澡。
i remember that day.
我永远记得那一天。
because on that day, as i was washing my hair and pulled my hand away from my head, there was a massive 1 of hair 2 in my hand.
因为那天，我洗头的时候，把手从头上拿开，有一大团头发缠在我的手里。
i just stared at it. it looked like a tarantula.
我盯着它看。它看起来像一只狼蛛。
i tried not to think about it, till the next time i showered, and it happened again, and again, and again, and again.
我试着不去想它，直到下一次洗澡，它一次又一次地发生，一次又一次，一次又一次。
within a few months, i lost over 50% of my hair.
几个月内，我掉了超过50%的头发。
i was basically bald at the back of my head.
我的后脑勺基本上都秃了。
then one day, my boyfriend turns to me and says maybe you should get a 3.
有一天，我男朋友对我说，也许你应该戴个假发。
i cried so hard that night.
那天晚上我哭得很厉害。
but two weeks later, on valentine's day of all days, i walked into a wig shop.
但两周后的情人节那天，我走进了一家假发店。
i took off my winter hat to reveal my mess of patchy, thin hair.
我摘下冬帽，露出一头乱蓬蓬的稀疏头发。
as the wig shop owner looked through my scalp, he told me that i may have alopecia and that it's 4 normal and lots of his clients who have it wear 5 and feel good about themselves.
假发店老板检查我的头皮，告诉我，我可能有脱发现象，这是非常正常的，他的很多客户都戴着假发，感觉都很好。
then he showed me the most beautiful wig you could ever imagine.
然后他给我看了你能想象到的最漂亮的假发。
and me, a perfect indian woman, so i bought it.
而我，一个完美的印度女人，所以我买了。
yet the very next day, i felt like a fraud, like i was hiding a dirty little secret.
然而就在第二天，我感觉自己像个骗子，好像在隐藏一个肮脏的秘密。
and because of this wig, i can't shower at the gym or go swimming or even ride a fxxk roller coaster.
因为这顶假发，我不能在健身房洗澡，不能去游泳，甚至不能坐过山车。
i 6 lost all spontaneity in my life.
我基本上失去了生活中所有的自发性。
and within a few weeks, the truth became clear.
几周之内，真相大白。
i am not allowed to be me.
我不能做我自己。
i mean, to not be allowed to be is like not being allowed to see, blinded by the burden of expectations placed on me.
我的意思是，不能被大家看到，被寄予厚望的负担蒙蔽了双眼。
i diapered beneath this wig, a physical embodiment of social, societal, and family pressures placed on me as a female, placed on me as an indian woman.
我就像在这顶假发下面换尿布，这是社会和家庭压力的物理体现，施加在一个女性身上，施加在一个印度女性的身上。
should and shame, they're the same, and this wig, this wig, represents shame, unworthiness, other people's thoughts implanted into my mind.
“应该”和“羞耻”是一样的，而这顶假发代表着羞耻，无价值，别人的想法在我的脑袋里翻滚。
i hate this. it feels like the pressure cooker inside me is about to go off.
我讨厌这样。感觉我体内的高压锅就要爆炸了。
my insides are screaming what if? what if i shave it all off?
我的内心在尖叫，如果我把它们都剃掉呢？
so, i went for it and fxxking shaved my head.
所以，我就去了，把我的头发剃光了。
hundreds of messages and phone calls flooded in, people telling me how brave i am.
成百上千的信息和电话蜂拥而至，都在告诉我我有多勇敢。
ladies came up to me on the streets and picked up their wig just a little bit for me to seesparse 7 of their hair.
街上有女士走到我面前，拿起她们的假发，让我看她们稀疏的头发。
but you know what? i felt fxxking terrible.
但是你知道吗？我感觉糟透了。
shaving my head was supposed to finally allow me to be myself.
剃光头本该最终让我做回我自己。
but i 8 couldn't recognize my own shadow.
但我真的认不出自己的影子了。
once again, avoiding mirrors. i became she. who is she?
又一次，逃避镜子。我变成了她。她是谁？
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