american tragedy 美国悲剧 chapter 13-凯发k8官网

for a period of four months at least this was exactly the way it worked out. after meeting her in this fashion, hewas devoting not an inconsiderable portion of his free time to attempting to interest her to the point where shewould take as much interest in him as she appeared to take in others. at the same time he could not tell whethershe could be made to entertain a singular affection for any one. nor could he believe that there was only aninnocent ¹ involved in all this. yet she was so ² that he was ³ moved by the thoughtthat if his worst suspicions were true, she might ultimately favor him. so captivated was he by this ⁴ ofsensuality and varietism that was about her, the stigmata of desire manifest in her gestures, moods, voice, theway she dressed, that he could not think of ⁵ her.

 

rather, he foolishly ran after her. and seeing this, she put him off, at times ⁶ him, compelled him tocontent himself with little more than the ⁷ of her company, while at the same time favoring him with descriptions or pictures of other activities and contacts which made him feel as though he could no longer endureto merely trail her in this fashion. it was then he would announce to himself in anger that he was not going to seeher any more. she was no good to him, really. but on seeing her again, a cold ⁹ in everything she saidand did, his courage failed him and he could not think of ¹⁰ the tie.

 

she was not at all backward at the same time in speaking of things that she needed or would like to have -- littlethings, at first -- a new powder ¹¹, a lip stick, a box of powder or a bottle of perfume. later, and without havingyielded anything more to clyde than a few ¹² and evasive ¹³ -- intimate and ¹⁴ recliningsin his arms which promised much but always came to nothing -- she made so bold as to indicate to him at differenttimes and in different ways, purses, blouses, ¹⁵, stockings, a hat, which she would like to buy if only shehad the money. and he, in order to hold her favor and properly ingratiate himself, proceeded to buy them, thoughat times and because of some other developments in connection with his family, it pressed him hard to do so.

 

and yet, as he was beginning to see toward the end of the fourth month, he was ¹⁶ little farther advanced in her favor than he had been in the beginning. in short, he was conducting a ¹⁷ and almost painful pursuitwithout any definite promise of reward.

 

in the meantime, in so far as his home ties went, the ¹⁸ and the depressions which were almostinextricably involved with membership in the griffiths family were not different from what they had ever been.

 

for, following the ¹⁹ of esta, there had settled a period of dejection which still endured. only, in sofar as clyde was concerned, it was complicated with a mystery which was ²⁰ and something more-irritating;for when it came to anything which related to sex in the griffiths family, no parents could possibly have been more squeamish.

 

and especially did this apply to the mystery which had now surrounded esta for some time. she had gone. shehad not returned. and so far as clyde and the others knew, no word of any kind had been received from her.

 

however, clyde had ²¹ that after the first few weeks of her absence, during which time both his mother andfather had been most intensely ²² up and troubled, worrying greatly as to her whereabouts and why she didnot write, suddenly they had ceased their worries, and had become very much more resigned -- at least not sotortured by a situation that ²³ had seemed to offer no hope ²⁴. he could not explain it. it was quite noticeable, and yet nothing was said. and then one day a little later, clyde had occasion to note that hismother was in communication with some one by mail -- something rare for her. for so few were her social orbusiness connections that she rarely received or wrote a letter.

 

one day, however, very shortly after he had connected himself with the green-davidson, he had come in ratherearlier than usual in the afternoon and found his mother bending over a letter which evidently had just arrivedand which appeared to interest her greatly. also it seemed to be connected with something which required ²⁶. for, on seeing him, she stopped reading at once, and, ²⁷ and apparently nervous, arose andput the letter away without commenting in any way upon what she had been doing. but clyde for some reason,intuition perhaps, had the thought that it might be from esta. he was not sure. and he was too far away to detectthe character of the handwriting. but whatever it was, his mother said nothing afterwards concerning it. shelooked as though she did not want him to inquire, and so reserved were their relations that he would not havethought of inquiring. he merely wondered, and then dismissed it ²⁸, but not ²⁹, from his mind.#p#分页标题#e#

 

a month or five weeks after this, and just about the time that he was becoming comparatively well-schooled inhis work at the green-davidson, and was beginning to interest himself in hortense briggs, his mother came tohim one afternoon with a very ³⁰ proposition for her. without explaining what it was for, or indicatingdirectly that now she felt that he might be in a better position to help her, she called him into the mission hallwhen he came in from work and, looking at him rather ³¹ and ³² for her, said: "you wouldn't know,clyde, would you, how i could raise a hundred dollars right away?"clyde was so astonished that he could scarcely believe his ears, for only a few weeks before the ⁸ mention ofany sum above four or five dollars in connection with him would have been ³³. his mother knew that.

 

yet here she was asking him and apparently assuming that he might be able to assist her in this way. and rightly, for both his clothes and his general air had indicated a period of better days for him.

 

at the same time his first thought was, of course, that she had observed his clothes and goings-on and wasconvinced that he was deceiving her about the amount he earned. and in part this was true, only so changed wasclyde's manner of late, that his mother had been compelled to take a very different attitude toward him and wasbeginning to be not a little ³⁴ as to her further control over him. recently, or since he had secured this latestplace, for some reason he had seemed to her to have grown wiser, more assured, less dubious of himself, inclinedto go his own way and keep his own counsel. and while this had troubled her not a little in one sense, it ratherpleased her in another. for to see clyde, who had always seemed because of his sensitiveness and unrest somuch of a problem to her, developing in this very interesting way was something; though at times, and in view ofhis very recent finery, she had been wondering and troubled as to the nature of the company he might bekeeping. but since his hours were so long and so absorbing, and whatever money he made appeared to be goinginto clothes, she felt that she had no real reason to complain. her one other thought was that perhaps he wasbeginning to act a little selfish -- to think too much of his own comfort -- and yet in the face of his longdeprivations she could not very well ³⁵ him any temporary pleasure, either.

 

clyde, not being sure of her real attitude, merely looked at her and exclaimed: "why, where would i get ahundred dollars, ma?" he had visions of his new-found source of wealth being dissipated by such unheard of and ³⁶ demands as this, and ³⁷ and distrust at once showed on his ³⁸.

 

"i didn't expect that you could get it all for me," mrs. griffiths suggested tactfully. "i have a plan to raise themost of it, i think. but i did want you to help me try to think how i would raise the rest. i didn't want to go toyour father with this if i could help it, and you're getting old enough now to be of some help." she looked atclyde approvingly and interestedly enough. "your father is such a poor hand at business," she went on, "and hegets so worried at times."she passed a large and weary hand over her face and clyde was moved by her predicament, whatever it was. atthe same time, apart from whether he was willing to part with so much or not, or had it to give, he was decidedlycurious about what all this was for. a hundred dollars! ⁴⁰ whiz!

 

after a moment or two, his mother added: "i'll tell you what i've been thinking. i must have a hundred dollars,but i can't tell you for what now, you nor any one, and you mustn't ask me. there's an old gold watch of yourfather's in my desk and a solid gold ring and pin of mine. those things ought to be worth twenty-five dollars atleast, if they were sold or ⁴¹. then there is that set of solid silver knives and forks and that silver platter andpitcher in there" -- clyde knew the keepsakes well -- "that platter alone is worth twenty-five dollars. i believe theyought to bring at least twenty or twenty-five together. i was thinking if i could get you to go to some goodpawnshop with them down near where you work, and then if you would let me have five more a week for awhile" (clyde's countenance fell) -- "i could get a friend of mine -- mr. murch who comes here, you know -- toadvance me enough to make up the hundred, and then i could pay him back out of what you pay me. i have aboutten dollars myself."she looked at clyde as much as to say: "now, surely, you won't desert me in my hour of trouble," and clyderelaxed, in spite of the fact that he had been counting upon using quite all that he earned for himself. in fact, he agreed to take the trinkets to the pawnshop, and to advance her five more for the time being until the differencebetween whatever the trinkets brought and one hundred dollars was made up. and yet in spite of himself, hecould not help resenting this extra strain, for it had only been a very short time that he had been earning so much.#p#分页标题#e#

 

and here was his mother demanding more and more, as he saw it -- ten dollars a week now. always somethingwrong, thought clyde, always something needed, and with no assurance that there would not be more suchdemands later.

 

he took the trinkets, carried them to the most presentable pawnshop he could find, and being offered forty-fivedollars for the lot, took it. this, with his mother's ten, would make fifty-five, and with forty-five she couldborrow from mr. murch, would make a hundred. only now, as he saw, it would mean that for nine weeks hewould have to give her ten dollars instead of five. and that, in view of his present ⁴² to dress, live andenjoy himself in a way entirely different from what he previously considered necessary, was by no means apleasure to ⁴³. nevertheless he ³⁹ to do it. after all he owed his mother something. she had made many sacrifices for him and the others in days past and he could not afford to be too selfish. it was not decent.

 

but the most enduring thought that now came to him was that if his mother and father were going to look to himfor financial aid, they should be willing to show him more consideration than had previously been shown him.

 

for one thing he ought to be allowed to come and go with more freedom, in so far as his night hours wereconcerned. and at the same time he was clothing himself and eating his meals at the hotel, and that was no smallitem, as he saw it.

 

however, there was another problem that had soon arisen and it was this. not so long after the matter of thehundred dollars, he encountered his mother in montrose street, one of the poorest streets which ran north frombickel, and which consisted entirely of two unbroken lines of wooden houses and two-story flats and manyunfurnished apartments. even the griffiths, poor as they were, would have felt themselves demeaned by thethought of having to dwell in such a street. his mother was coming down the front steps of one of the lesstatterdemalion houses of this row, a lower front window of which carried a very ⁴⁴ card which read "furnished rooms." and then, without turning or seeing clyde across the street, she proceeded to another housea few doors away, which also carried a furnished rooms card and, after surveying the ⁴⁵ interestedly, mounted the steps and rang the bell.

 

clyde's first impression was that she was seeking the whereabouts of some individual in whom she wasinterested and of whose address she was not certain. but crossing over to her at about the moment theproprietress of the house put her head out of the door, he heard his mother say: "you have a room for rent?""yes." "has it a bath?" "no, but there's a bath on the second floor." "how much is it a week?" "four dollars.""could i see it?" "yes, just step in."mrs. griffiths appeared to hesitate while clyde stood below, not twenty-five feet away, and looked up at her,waiting for her to turn and recognize him. but she stepped in without turning. and clyde gazed after hercuriously, for while it was by no means inconceivable that his mother might be looking for a room for some one, yet why should she be looking for it in this street when as a rule she usually dealt with the ⁴⁷ army or theyoung women's ⁴⁸ association. his first impulse was to wait and inquire of her what she was doing here,but being interested in several errands of his own, he went on.

 

that night, returning to his own home to dress and seeing his mother in the kitchen, he said to her: "i saw youthis morning, ma, in montrose street.""yes," his mother replied, after a moment, but not before he had noticed that she had started suddenly as thoughtaken aback by this information. she was paring potatoes and looked at him ⁴⁶. "well, what of it?" sheadded, calmly, but flushing just the same -- a thing decidedly unusual in connection with her where he wasconcerned. indeed, that start of surprise interested and arrested clyde.

 

"you were going into a house there -- looking for a furnished room, i guess.""yes, i was," replied mrs. griffiths, simply enough now. "i need a room for some one who is sick and hasn'tmuch money, but it's not so easy to find either." she turned away as though she were not disposed to discuss thisany more, and clyde, while sensing her mood, apparently, could not resist adding: "gee, that's not much of astreet to have a room in." his new work at the green-davidson had already caused him to think differently ofhow one should live --  any one. she did not answer him and he went to his room to change his clothes.

 

a month or so after this, coming east on missouri avenue late one evening, he again saw his mother in the neardistance coming west. in the light of one of the small stores which ranged in a row on this street, he saw that shewas carrying a rather heavy old-fashioned bag, which had long been about the house but had never been muchused by any one. on sight of him approaching (as he afterwards decided) she had stopped suddenly and turnedinto a hallway of a three-story brick apartment building, and when he came up to it, he found the outside door was shut. he opened it, and saw a flight of steps dimly lit, up which she might have gone. however, he did nottrouble to investigate, for he was uncertain, once he reached this place, whether she had gone to call on some oneor not, it had all happened so quickly. but waiting at the next corner, he finally saw her come out again. andthen to his increasing curiosity, she appeared to look cautiously about before ⁴⁹ as before. it was this that caused him to think that she must have been endeavoring to ²⁵ herself from him. but why?#p#分页标题#e#

 

his first impulse was to turn and follow her, so interested was he by her strange movements. but he decided laterthat if she did not want him to know what she was doing, perhaps it was best that he should not. at the same timehe was made intensely curious by this evasive gesture. why should his mother not wish him to see her carrying abag anywhere? ⁵⁰ and concealment formed no part of her real ⁵¹ (so different from his own).

 

almost instantly his mind proceeded to join this coincidence with the time he had seen her ⁵² the stepsof the rooming house in montrose street, together with the business of the letter he had found her reading, andthe money she had been compelled to raise -- the hundred dollars. where could she be going? what was she hiding?

 

he speculated on all this, but he could not decide whether it had any definite connection with him or any memberof the family until about a week later, when, passing along eleventh near baltimore, he thought he saw esta, orat least a girl so much like her that she would be taken for her anywhere. she had the same height, and she wasmoving along as esta used to walk. only, now he thought as he saw her, she looked older. yet, so quickly hadshe come and gone in the mass of people that he had not been able to make sure. it was only a glance, but on thestrength of it, he had turned and sought to catch up with her, but upon reaching the spot she was gone. soconvinced was he, however, that he had seen her that he went straight home, and, encountering his mother in themission, announced that he was positive he had seen esta. she must be back in kansas city again. he could havesworn to it. he had seen her near eleventh and baltimore, or thought he had. had his mother heard anything from her?

 

and then curiously enough he observed that his mother's manner was not exactly what he thought it should havebeen under the circumstances. his own attitude had been one of ^{53 54}, pleasure, curiosityand sympathy because of the sudden disappearance and now sudden reappearance of esta. could it be that hismother had used that hundred dollars to bring her back? the thought had come to him -- why or from where, hecould not say. he wondered. but if so, why had she not returned to her home, at least to notify the family of herpresence here?

 

he expected his mother would be as astonished and puzzled as he was -- quick and curious for details. instead, sheappeared to him to be obviously confused and taken aback by this information, as though she was hearing aboutsomething that she already knew and was puzzled as to just what her attitude should be.

 

"oh, did you? where? just now, you say? at eleventh and baltimore? well, isn't that strange? i must speak toasa about this. it's strange that she wouldn't come here if she is back." her eyes, as he saw, instead of lookingastonished, looked puzzled, disturbed. her mouth, always the case when she was a little embarrassed and disconcerted, worked oddly -- not only the lips but the ⁵⁵ itself.

 

"well, well," she added, after a pause. "that is strange. perhaps it was just some one who looked like her."but clyde, watching her out of the corner of his eye, could not believe that she was as astonished as shepretended. and, thereafter, asa coming in, and clyde not having as yet departed for the hotel, he heard them discussing the matter in some strangely inattentive and unillumined way, as if it was not quite as startling as ithad seemed to him. and for some time he was not called in to explain what he had seen.

 

and then, as if purposely to solve this mystery for him, he encountered his mother one day passing along sprucestreet, this time carrying a small basket on her arm. she had, as he had noticed of late, taken to going outregularly mornings and afternoons or evenings. on this occasion, and long before she had had an opportunity tosee him, he had discerned her peculiarly heavy figure draped in the old brown coat which she always wore, andhad turned into myrkel street and waited for her to pass, a convenient news stand offering him shelter. once shehad passed, he dropped behind her, allowing her to precede him by half a block. and at dalrymple, she crossedto beaudry, which was really a continuation of spruce, but not so ugly. the houses were quite old -- quondamresidences of an earlier day, but now turned into boarding and rooming houses. into one of these he saw her enterand disappear, but before doing so she looked inquiringly about her.

 

after she had entered, clyde approached the house and studied it with great interest. what was his mother doingin there? who was it she was going to see? he could scarcely have explained his intense curiosity to himself, andyet, since having thought that he had seen esta on the street, he had an unconvinced feeling that it might have something to do with her. there were the letters, the one hundred dollars, the furnished room in montrose street.#p#分页标题#e#

 

diagonally across the way from the house in beaudry street there was a large-trunked tree, leafless now in thewinter wind, and near it a telegraph pole, close enough to make a ⁵⁶ shadow with it. and behind these he wasable to stand unseen, and from this vantage point to observe the several windows, side and front and ground andsecond floor. through one of the front windows above, he saw his mother moving about as though she were quite at home there. and a moment later, to his astonishment he saw esta come to one of their two windows andput a package down on the sill. she appeared to have on only a light ⁵⁷ gown or a wrap ⁵⁸ about hershoulders. he was not mistaken this time. he actually started as he realized that it was she, also that his motherwas in there with her. and yet what had she done that she must come back and hide away in this manner? hadher husband, the man she had run away with, ⁵⁹ her?

 

he was so intensely curious that he decided to wait a while outside here to see if his mother might not come out, and then he himself would call on esta. he wanted so much to see her again -- to know what this mystery was allabout. he waited, thinking how he had always liked esta and how strange it was that she should be here, hidingaway in this mysterious way.

 

after an hour, his mother came out, her basket apparently empty, for she held it lightly in her hand. and just asbefore, she looked cautiously about her, her face wearing that same ⁶⁰ and yet care-stamped expression whichit always wore these days -- a cross between an uplifting faith and a troublesome doubt.

 

clyde watched her as she proceeded to walk south on beaudry street toward the mission. after she was well outof sight, he turned and entered the house. inside, as he had ⁶¹, he found a collection of furnished rooms,name plates some of which bore the names of the roomers pasted upon them. since he knew that the southeastfront room upstairs contained esta, he proceeded there and knocked. and true enough, a light footstep respondedwithin, and presently, after some little delay which seemed to suggest some quick preparation within, the door opened slightly and esta peeped out -- quizzically at first, then with a little cry of astonishment and someconfusion. for, as ⁶² and caution disappeared, she realized that she was looking at clyde. at once sheopened the door wide.

 

"why, clyde," she called. "how did you come to find me? i was just thinking of you."clyde at once put his arms around her and kissed her. at the same time he realized, and with a slight sense ofshock and dissatisfaction, that she was ⁶³ changed. she was thinner -- paler -- her eyes almost sunken,and not any better dressed than when he had seen her last. she appeared nervous and ⁶⁴. one of the firstthoughts that came to him now was where her husband was. why wasn't he here? what had become of him? ashe looked about and at her, he noticed that esta's look was one of confusion and ⁶⁵, not unmixed with alittle satisfaction at seeing him. her mouth was partly open because of a desire to smile and to welcome him, buther eyes showed that she was contending with a problem.

 

"i didn't expect you here," she added, quickly, the moment he released her. "you didn't see -- " then she paused,catching herself at the ⁶⁶ of some information which evidently she didn't wish to impart.

 

"yes, i did, too -- i saw ma," he replied. "that's how i came to know you were here. i saw her coming out justnow and i saw you up here through the window." (he did not care to confess that he had been following and watching his mother for an hour.) "but when did you get back?" he went on. "it's a wonder you wouldn't let therest of us know something about you. gee, you're a dandy, you are -- going away and staying months and never letting any one of us know anything. you might have written me a little something, anyhow. we always gotalong pretty well, didn't we?"his glance was quizzical, curious, ⁶⁷. she, for her part, felt ⁶⁸ and thence evasive -- uncertain,quite, what to think or say or tell.

 

she uttered: "i couldn't think who it might be. no one comes here. but, my, how nice you look, clyde. you'vegot such nice clothes, now. and you're getting taller. mamma was telling me you are working at the green-davidson."she looked at him admiringly and he was properly impressed by her notice of him. at the same time he could notget his mind off her condition. he could not cease looking at her face, her eyes, her thin-fat body. and as helooked at her waist and her gaunt face, he came to a very keen ⁶⁹ that all was not well with her. she wasgoing to have a child. and hence the thought ⁷⁰ to him -- where was her husband -- or at any rate, the manshe had eloped with. her original note, according to her mother, had said that she was going to get married. yetnow he sensed quite clearly that she was not married. she was deserted, left in this ⁷¹ room here alone.#p#分页标题#e#

 

he saw it, felt it, understood it.

 

and he thought at once that this was typical of all that seemed to occur in his family. here he was just getting a start, trying to be somebody and get along in the world and have a good time. and here was esta, after her firstventure in the direction of doing something for herself, coming to such a finish as this. it made him a little sick and resentful.

 

"how long have you been back, esta?" he repeated ⁷², scarcely knowing just what to say now, for nowthat he was here and she was as she was he began to ⁷³ expense, trouble, distress and to wish almost that hehad not been so curious. why need he have been? it could only mean that he must help.

 

"oh, not so very long, clyde. about a month, now, i guess. not more than that.""i thought so. i saw you up on eleventh near baltimore about a month ago, didn't i? sure i did," he added a littleless ⁷⁴ -- a change that esta noted. at the same time she nodded her head affirmatively. "i knew i did. itold ma so at the time, but she didn't seem to think so. she wasn't as surprised as i thought she would be, though.

 

i know why, now. she acted as though she didn't want me to tell her about it either. but i knew i wasn't wrong."he stared at esta oddly, quite proud of his prescience in this case. he paused though, not knowing quite whatelse to say and wondering whether what he had just said was of any sense or import. it didn't seem to suggest anyreal aid for her.

 

and she, not quite knowing how to pass over the nature of her condition, or to confess it, either, was puzzled what to say. something had to be done. for clyde could see for himself that her predicament was dreadful. shecould scarcely bear the look of his inquiring eyes. and more to ⁷⁵ herself than her mother, she finallyobserved, "poor mamma. you mustn't think it strange of her, clyde. she doesn't know what to do, you see,really. it's all my fault, of course. if i hadn't run away, i wouldn't have caused her all this trouble. she has so littleto do with and she's always had such a hard time." she turned her back to him suddenly, and her shoulders beganto tremble and her sides to heave. she put her hands to her face and ⁷⁶ her head low -- and then he knew that she was silently crying.

 

"oh, come now, sis," exclaimed clyde, drawing near to her instantly and feeling intensely sorry for her at the moment. "what's the matter? what do you want to cry for? didn't that man that you went away with marry you?"she shook her head negatively and ⁷⁷ the more. and in that instant there came to clyde the real psychological as well as sociological and biological import of his sister's condition. she was in trouble, pregnant -- and with no money and no husband. that was why his mother had been looking for a room. that waswhy she had tried to borrow a hundred dollars from him. she was ashamed of esta and her condition. she wasashamed of not only what people outside the family would think, but of what he and julia and frank mightthink -- the effect of esta's condition upon them perhaps -- because it was not right, unmoral, as people saw it. andfor that reason she had been trying to conceal it, telling stories about it -- a most amazing and difficult thing forher, no doubt. and yet, because of poor luck, she hadn't succeeded very well.

 

and now he was again confused and puzzled, not only by his sister's condition and what it meant to him and theother members of the family here in kansas city, but also by his mother's disturbed and somewhat unmoralattitude in regard to ⁷⁸ in this instance. she had evaded if not actually deceived him in regard to all this,for she knew esta was here all the time. at the same time he was not inclined to be too unsympathetic in thatrespect toward her -- far from it. for such deception in such an instance had to be, no doubt, even where peoplewere as religious and ⁷⁹ as his mother, or so he thought. you couldn't just let people know. he certainly wouldn't want to let people know about esta, if he could help it. what would they think? what would they sayabout her and him? wasn't the general state of his family low enough, as it was? and so, now he stood, staringand puzzled the while esta cried. and she realizing that he was puzzled and ashamed, because of her, cried the more.

 

"gee, that is tough," said clyde, troubled, and yet fairly sympathetic after a time. "you wouldn't have run awaywith him unless you cared for him though -- would you?" (he was thinking of himself and hortense briggs.) "i'msorry for you, ess. sure, i am, but it won't do you any good to cry about it now, will it? there's lots of otherfellows in the world beside him. you'll come out of it all right.""oh, i know," sobbed esta, "but i've been so foolish. and i've had such a hard time. and now i've brought allthis trouble on mamma and all of you." she choked and hushed a moment. "he went off and left me in a hotel inpittsburgh without any money," she added. "and if it hadn't been for mamma, i don't know what i would havedone. she sent me a hundred dollars when i wrote her. i worked for a while in a restaurant -- as long as i could. ididn't want to write home and say that he had left me. i was ashamed to. but i didn't know what else to do theretoward the last, when i began feeling so bad."she began to cry again; and clyde, realizing all that his mother had done and sought to do to assist her, feltalmost as sorry now for his mother as he did for esta -- more so, for esta had her mother to look after her and hismother had almost no one to help her.#p#分页标题#e#

 

"i can't work yet, because i won't be able to for a while," she went on. "and mamma doesn't want me to comehome now because she doesn't want julia or frank or you to know. and that's right, too, i know. of course it is.

 

and she hasn't got anything and i haven't. and i get so lonely here, sometimes." her eyes filled and she began tochoke again. "and i've been so foolish."and clyde felt for the moment as though he could cry too. for life was so strange, so hard at times. see how ithad treated him all these years. he had had nothing until recently and always wanted to run away. but esta haddone so, and see what had befallen her. and somehow he recalled her between the tall walls of the big buildingshere in the business district, sitting at his father's little street organ and singing and looking so innocent and good.

 

gee, life was tough. what a rough world it was anyhow. how queer things went!

 

he looked at her and the room, and finally, telling her that she wouldn't be left alone, and that he would come again, only she mustn't tell his mother he had been there, and that if she needed anything she could call on himalthough he wasn't making so very much, either -- and then went out. and then, walking toward the hotel to go towork, he kept ⁸⁰ on the thought of how miserable it all was -- how sorry he was that he had followed hismother, for then he might not have known. but even so, it would have come out. his mother could not haveconcealed it from him indefinitely. she would have asked for more money eventually maybe. but what a dog that man was to go off and leave his sister in a big strange city without a ⁸¹. he puzzled, thinking now of the girl who had been deserted in the green-davidson some months before with a room and board bill ⁸². andhow comic it had seemed to him and the other boys at the time -- highly colored with a sensual interest in it.

 

but this, well, this was his own sister. a man had thought so little of his sister as that. and yet, try as he would,he could no longer think that it was as terrible as when he heard her crying in the room. here was this brisk, bright city about him running with people and effort, and this gay hotel in which he worked. that was not so bad.

 

besides there was his own love affair, hortense, and pleasures. there must be some way out for esta. she wouldget well again and be all right. but to think of his being part of a family that was always so poor and so little thought of that things like this could happen to it -- one thing and another -- like street preaching, not being able topay the rent at times, his father selling rugs and clocks for a living on the streets -- esta running away and comingto an end like this. gee!

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