two days are passed. it is a summer evening; the coachman has set me down at a place called whitcross; he could take me no farther for the sum i had given, and i was not 1 of another shilling in the world. the coach is a mile off by this time; i am alone. at this moment i discover that i forgot to take my parcel out of the pocket of the coach, where i had placed it for safety; there it 2, there it must remain; and now, i am absolutely 3.
whitcross is no town, nor even a hamlet; it is but a stone pillar set up where four roads meet: 4, i suppose, to be more obvious at a distance and in darkness. four arms spring from its summit: the nearest town to which these point is, according to the 5, distant ten miles; the farthest, above twenty. from the well-known names of these towns i learn in what county i have lighted; a north-midland shire, dusk with moorland, ridged with mountain: this i see. there are great 8 behind and on each hand of me; there are waves of mountains far beyond that deep valley at my feet. the population here must be thin, and i see no passengers on these roads: they stretch out east, west, north, and south--white, broad, lonely; they are all cut in the 6, and the heather grows deep and wild to their very 9. yet a chance traveller might pass by; and i wish no eye to see me now: strangers would wonder what i am doing, lingering here at the sign-post, evidently objectless and lost. i might be questioned: i could give no answer but what would sound incredible and excite suspicion. not a tie holds me to human society at this moment--not a charm or hope calls me where my fellow-creatures are--none that saw me would have a kind thought or a good wish for me. i have no relative but the universal mother, nature: i will seek her breast and ask 10.
i struck straight into the heath; i held on to a hollow i saw deeply 11 the brown moorside; i 12 knee-deep in its dark growth; i turned with its turnings, and finding a 13-blackened 14 crag in a hidden angle, i sat down under it. high banks of moor were about me; the crag protected my head: the sky was over that.
some time passed before i felt 15 even here: i had a vague 16 that wild cattle might be near, or that some sportsman or poacher might discover me. if a 17 of wind swept the waste, i looked up, fearing it was the rush of a bull; if a 18 whistled, i imagined it a man. finding my 19 unfounded, however, and calmed by the deep silence that 20 as evening declined at nightfall, i took confidence. as yet i had not thought; i had only listened, watched, 21; now i 23 the 24 of reflection.
what was i to do? where to go? oh, intolerable questions, when i could do nothing and go nowhere!--when a long way must yet be measured by my weary, trembling limbs before i could reach human habitation--when cold charity must be 25 before i could get a 26: reluctant sympathy 28, almost certain 29 30, before my tale could be listened to, or one of my wants relieved!
i touched the heath, it was dry, and yet warm with the beat of the summer day. i looked at the sky; it was pure: a 31 star twinkled just above the 32 7. the dew fell, but with 33 softness; no breeze whispered. nature seemed to me 34 and good; i thought she loved me, outcast as i was; and i, who from man could anticipate only mistrust, 35, insult, clung to her with filial fondness. to-night, at least, i would be her guest, as i was her child: my mother would 36 me without money and without price. i had one 37 of bread yet: the remnant of a roll i had bought in a town we passed through at noon with a stray penny--my last coin. i saw ripe bilberries gleaming here and there, like jet 38 in the heath: i gathered a handful and ate them with the bread. my hunger, sharp before, was, if not satisfied, 39 by this hermit's meal. i said my evening prayers at its conclusion, and then chose my couch.
beside the crag the heath was very deep: when i lay down my feet were buried in it; rising high on each side, it left only a narrow space for the night-air to invade. i folded my shawl double, and spread it over me for a coverlet; a low, mossy 40 was my pillow. thus 41, i was not, at least--at the commencement of the night, cold.
my rest might have been blissful enough, only a sad heart broke it. it plained of its 42 wounds, its inward bleeding, its riven chords. it trembled for mr. rochester and his 43; it 44 him with bitter pity; it demanded him with ceaseless 45; and, impotent as a bird with both wings broken, it still quivered its shattered 46 in vain attempts to seek him.
worn out with this torture of thought, i rose to my knees. night was come, and her planets were risen: a safe, still night: too 47 for the companionship of fear. we know that god is everywhere; but certainly we feel his presence most when his works are on the grandest scale spread before us; and it is in the unclouded night-sky, where his worlds wheel their silent course, that we read clearest his infinitude, his 48, his omnipresence. i had risen to my knees to pray for mr. rochester. looking up, i, with tear-dimmed eyes, saw the 49 milky-way. remembering what it was--what 50 systems there swept space like a soft trace of light--i felt the might and strength of god. sure was i of his efficiency to save what he had made: convinced i grew that neither earth should perish, nor one of the souls it treasured. i turned my prayer to thanksgiving: the source of life was also the 51 of spirits. mr. rochester was safe; he was god's, and by god would he be guarded. i again nestled to the breast of the hill; and ere long in sleep forgot sorrow.
but next day, want came to me pale and bare. long after the little birds had left their nests; long after bees had come in the sweet prime of day to gather the heath honey before the dew was dried-- when the long morning shadows were 52, and the sun filled earth and sky--i got up, and i looked round me.
what a still, hot, perfect day! what a golden desert this spreading moor! everywhere sunshine. i wished i could live in it and on it. i saw a 53 run over the crag; i saw a bee busy among the sweet bilberries. i would fain at the moment have become bee or lizard, that i might have found fitting nutriment, permanent shelter here. but i was a human being, and had a human being's wants: i must not linger where there was nothing to supply them. i rose; i looked back at the bed i had left. hopeless of the future, i wished but this--that my 54 had that night thought good to require my soul of me while i slept; and that this weary frame, 55 by death from further conflict with fate, had now but to decay quietly, and 56 in peace with the soil of this 57. life, however, was yet in my possession, with all its requirements, and pains, and responsibilities. the burden must be carried; the want provided for; the suffering endured; the responsibility fulfilled. i set out.
whitcross regained, i followed a road which led from the sun, now 58 and high. by no other circumstance had i will to decide my choice. i walked a long time, and when i thought i had nearly done enough, and might 59 yield to the 60 that almost overpowered me--might relax this forced action, and, sitting down on a stone i saw near, submit resistlessly to the 61 that 62 heart and limb--i heard a bell chime--a church bell.
i turned in the direction of the sound, and there, amongst the romantic hills, whose changes and aspect i had ceased to note an hour ago, i saw a hamlet and a 63. all the valley at my right hand was full of pasture-fields, and cornfields, and wood; and a glittering stream ran zig-zag through the 64 shades of green, the 65 grain, the sombre woodland, the clear and sunny lea. recalled by the 66 of wheels to the road before me, i saw a heavily-laden 67 labouring up the hill, and not far beyond were two cows and their drover. human life and human labour were near. i must struggle on: strive to live and bend to 68 like the rest.
about two o'clock p.m. i entered the village. at the bottom of its one street there was a little shop with some cakes of bread in the window. i 69 a cake of bread. with that 70 i could perhaps 22 a degree of energy: without it, it would be difficult to proceed. the wish to have some strength and some 71 returned to me as soon as i was amongst my fellow-beings. i felt it would be degrading to faint with hunger on the causeway of a hamlet. had i nothing about me i could offer in exchange for one of these rolls? i considered. i had a small silk handkerchief tied round my throat; i had my gloves. i could hardly tell how men and women in 72 of 73 proceeded. i did not know whether either of these articles would be accepted: probably they would not; but i must try.
i entered the shop: a woman was there. seeing a respectably- dressed person, a lady as she supposed, she came forward with civility. how could she serve me? i was seized with shame: my tongue would not utter the request i had prepared. i dared not offer her the half-worn gloves, the 74 handkerchief: besides, i felt it would be absurd. i only begged permission to sit down a moment, as i was tired. disappointed in the expectation of a customer, she coolly 76 to my request. she 75 to a seat; i sank into it. i felt sorely urged to weep; but conscious how unseasonable such a 77 would be, i restrained it. soon i asked her "if there were any dressmaker or plain-workwoman in the village?"
"yes; two or three. quite as many as there was employment for."
i reflected. i was driven to the point now. i was brought face to face with necessity. i stood in the position of one without a resource, without a friend, without a coin. i must do something. what? i must apply somewhere. where?
"did she know of any place in the neighbourhood where a servant was wanted?"
"78; she couldn't say."
"what was the chief trade in this place? what did most of the people do?"
"some were farm labourers; a good deal worked at mr. oliver's needle-factory, and at the foundry."
"did mr. oliver employ women?"
"nay; it was men's work."
"and what do the women do?"
"i knawn't," was the answer. "some does one thing, and some another. poor folk mun get on as they can."
she seemed to be tired of my questions: and, indeed, what claim had i to 27 her? a neighbour or two came in; my chair was evidently wanted. i took leave.
i passed up the street, looking as i went at all the houses to the right hand and to the left; but i could discover no 79, nor see an inducement to enter any. i 80 round the hamlet, going sometimes to a little distance and returning again, for an hour or more. much 81, and suffering greatly now for want of food, i turned aside into a lane and sat down under the hedge. ere many minutes had elapsed, i was again on my feet, however, and again searching something--a resource, or at least an informant. a pretty little house stood at the top of the lane, with a garden before it, 83 neat and brilliantly blooming. i stopped at it. what business had i to approach the white door or touch the glittering knocker? in what way could it possibly be the interest of the inhabitants of that 84 to serve me? yet i drew near and knocked. a mild-looking, cleanly-attired young woman opened the door. in such a voice as might be expected from a hopeless heart and fainting frame--a voice wretchedly low and faltering--i asked if a servant was wanted here?
"no," said she; "we do not keep a servant."
"can you tell me where i could get employment of any kind?" i continued. "i am a stranger, without acquaintance in this place. i want some work: no matter what."
but it was not her business to think for me, or to seek a place for me: besides, in her eyes, how doubtful must have appeared my character, position, tale. she shook her head, she "was sorry she could give me no information," and the white door closed, quite gently and civilly: but it shut me out. if she had held it open a little longer, i believe i should have begged a piece of bread; for i was now brought low.
i could not bear to return to the 85 village, where, besides, no 86 of aid was visible. i should have longed rather to 87 to a wood i saw not far off, which appeared in its thick shade to offer 88 shelter; but i was so sick, so weak, so 89 with nature's cravings, instinct kept me roaming round 90 where there was a chance of food. 91 would be no solitude--rest no rest-- while the vulture, hunger, thus sank 92 and 93 in my side.
i drew near houses; i left them, and came back again, and again i wandered away: always 94 by the consciousness of having no claim to ask--no right to expect interest in my 95 lot. meantime, the afternoon advanced, while i thus wandered about like a lost and starving dog. in crossing a field, i saw the church spire before me: i hastened towards it. near the churchyard, and in the middle of a garden, stood a well-built though small house, which i had no doubt was the parsonage. i remembered that strangers who arrive at a place where they have no friends, and who want employment, sometimes apply to the clergyman for introduction and aid. it is the clergyman's function to help--at least with advice-- those who wished to help themselves. i seemed to have something like a right to seek counsel here. renewing then my courage, and 96 my feeble remains of strength, i pushed on. i reached the house, and knocked at the kitchen-door. an old woman opened: i asked was this the parsonage?
"yes."
"was the clergyman in?"
"no."
"would he be in soon?"
"no, he was gone from home."
"to a distance?"
"not so far--happen three mile. he had been called away by the sudden death of his father: he was at 97 end now, and would very likely stay there a fortnight longer."
"was there any lady of the house?"
"nay, there was 98 but her, and she was 99;" and of her, reader, i could not bear to ask the relief for want of which i was sinking; i could not yet beg; and again i crawled away.
once more i took off my handkerchief--once more i thought of the cakes of bread in the little shop. oh, for but a crust! for but one mouthful to 100 the 101 of famine! 102 i turned my face again to the village; i found the shop again, and i went in; and though others were there besides the woman i ventured the request--"would she give me a roll for this handkerchief?"
she looked at me with evident suspicion: "nay, she never sold stuff i' that way."
almost desperate, i asked for half a cake; she again refused. "how could she tell where i had got the handkerchief?" she said.
"would she take my gloves?"
"no! what could she do with them?"
reader, it is not pleasant to dwell on these details. some say there is 103 in looking back to painful experience past; but at this day i can scarcely bear to review the times to which i 104: the moral 105, blent with the physical suffering, form too 106 a recollection ever to be willingly dwelt on. i blamed none of those who 107 me. i felt it was what was to be expected, and what could not be helped: an ordinary beggar is frequently an object of suspicion; a well-dressed beggar 108 so. to be sure, what i begged was employment; but whose business was it to provide me with employment? not, certainly, that of persons who saw me then for the first time, and who knew nothing about my character. and as to the woman who would not take my handkerchief in exchange for her bread, why, she was right, if the offer appeared to her 109 or the exchange unprofitable. let me condense now. i am sick of the subject.
a little before dark i passed a farm-house, at the open door of which the farmer was sitting, eating his supper of bread and cheese. i stopped and said -
"will you give me a piece of bread? for i am very hungry." he cast on me a glance of surprise; but without answering, he cut a thick slice from his loaf, and gave it to me. i imagine he did not think i was a beggar, but only an eccentric sort of lady, who had taken a fancy to his brown loaf. as soon as i was out of sight of his house, i sat down and ate it.
i could not hope to get a lodging under a roof, and sought it in the wood i have before 110 to. but my night was wretched, my rest broken: the ground was damp, the air cold: besides, intruders passed near me more than once, and i had again and again to change my quarters; no sense of safety or 111 befriended me. towards morning it rained; the whole of the following day was wet. do not ask me, reader, to give a minute account of that day; as before, i sought work; as before, i was repulsed; as before, i starved; but once did food pass my lips. at the door of a cottage i saw a little girl about to throw a mess of cold porridge into a pig trough. "will you give me that?" i asked.
she stared at me. "mother!" she exclaimed, "there is a woman wants me to give her these porridge."
"well lass," replied a voice within, "give it her if she's a beggar. t pig doesn't want it."
the girl emptied the 112 mould into my hand, and i 113 it 114.
as the wet 115 deepened, i stopped in a 116 bridle-path, which i had been pursuing an hour or more.
"my strength is quite failing me," i said in a soliloquy. "i feel i cannot go much farther. shall i be an outcast again this night? while the rain 118 so, must i lay my head on the cold, 119 ground? i fear i cannot do otherwise: for who will receive me? but it will be very dreadful, with this feeling of hunger, faintness, chill, and this sense of desolation--this total 120 of hope. in all likelihood, though, i should die before morning. and why cannot i reconcile myself to the prospect of death? why do i struggle to retain a valueless life? because i know, or believe, mr. rochester is living: and then, to die of want and cold is a fate to which nature cannot submit passively. oh, 121! sustain me a little longer! aid!--direct me!"
my 122 eye wandered over the dim and 123 landscape. i saw i had strayed far from the village: it was quite out of sight. the very 124 surrounding it had disappeared. i had, by cross- ways and by-paths, once more 125 near the 126 of moorland; and now, only a few fields, almost as wild and unproductive as the heath from which they were scarcely 127, lay between me and the dusky hill.
"well, i would rather die yonder than in a street or on a frequented road," i reflected. "and far better that crows and 128--if any ravens there be in these regions--should pick my flesh from my bones, than that they should be prisoned in a workhouse 129 and 130 in a pauper's grave."
to the hill, then, i turned. i reached it. it remained now only to find a hollow where i could lie down, and feel at least hidden, if not secure. but all the surface of the waste looked level. it showed no variation but of 131: green, where rush and moss overgrew the 132; black, where the dry soil bore only heath. dark as it was getting, i could still see these changes, though but as 133 alternations of light and shade; for colour had faded with the daylight.
my eye still roved over the 134 swell and along the moor-edge, vanishing amidst the wildest scenery, when at one dim point, far in among the marshes and the 135, a light sprang up. "that is an ignis fatuus," was my first thought; and i expected it would soon vanish. it burnt on, however, quite 136, neither 137 nor advancing. "is it, then, a bonfire just 138?" i questioned. i watched to see whether it would spread: but no; as it did not diminish, so it did not enlarge. "it may be a candle in a house," i then 139; "but if so, i can never reach it. it is much too far away: and were it within a yard of me, what would it avail? i should but knock at the door to have it shut in my face."
and i sank down where i stood, and hid my face against the ground. i lay still a while: the night-wind swept over the hill and over me, and died moaning in the distance; the rain fell fast, wetting me afresh to the skin. could i but have stiffened to the still frost-- the friendly 140 of death--it might have 141 on; i should not have felt it; but my yet living flesh 142 at its chilling influence. i rose ere long.
the light was yet there, shining dim but constant through the rain. i tried to walk again: i dragged my exhausted limbs slowly towards it. it led me 143 over the hill, through a wide 144, which would have been impassable in winter, and was splashy and shaking even now, in the height of summer. here i fell twice; but as often i rose and rallied my 146. this light was my forlorn hope: i must gain it.
having crossed the marsh, i saw a trace of white over the moor. i approached it; it was a road or a track: it led straight up to the light, which now beamed from a sort of 147, amidst a 148 of trees--firs, 149, from what i could distinguish of the character of their forms and 150 through the gloom. my star vanished as i drew near: some obstacle had intervened between me and it. i put out my hand to feel the dark mass before me: i 151 the rough stones of a low wall--above it, something like palisades, and within, a high and prickly hedge. i groped on. again a whitish object gleamed before me: it was a gate--a wicket; it moved on its hinges as i touched it. on each side stood a 145 bush-holly or 152.
entering the gate and passing the 153, the 154 of a house rose to view, black, low, and rather long; but the guiding light shone nowhere. all was obscurity. were the 155 156 to rest? i feared it must be so. in seeking the door, i turned an angle: there shot out the friendly gleam again, from the lozenged 157 of a very small latticed window, within a foot of the ground, made still smaller by the growth of 158 or some other creeping plant, whose leaves clustered thick over the portion of the house wall in which it was set. the 159 was so screened and narrow, that curtain or 160 had been deemed unnecessary; and when i stooped down and put aside the spray of foliage shooting over it, i could see all within. i could see clearly a room with a sanded floor, clean 161; a dresser of 162, with pewter plates ranged in rows, reflecting the redness and radiance of a glowing peat-fire. i could see a clock, a white deal table, some chairs. the candle, whose ray had been my 163, burnt on the table; and by its light an elderly woman, somewhat rough-looking, but 164 clean, like all about her, was knitting a stocking.
i noticed these objects 165 only--in them there was nothing extraordinary. a group of more interest appeared near the 166, sitting still amidst the 167 peace and warmth 168 it. two young, 169 women--ladies in every point--sat, one in a low rocking-chair, the other on a lower stool; both wore deep mourning of crape and bombazeen, which sombre 170 singularly set off very fair necks and faces: a large old pointer dog rested its massive head on the knee of one girl--in the lap of the other was cushioned a black cat.
a strange place was this 171 kitchen for such occupants! who were they? they could not be the daughters of the elderly person at the table; for she looked like a 172, and they were all 173 and cultivation. i had nowhere seen such faces as theirs: and yet, as i gazed on them, i seemed intimate with every lineament. i cannot call them handsome--they were too pale and grave for the word: as they each 174 over a book, they looked thoughtful almost to severity. a stand between them supported a second candle and two great volumes, to which they frequently referred, comparing them, seemingly, with the smaller books they held in their hands, like people consulting a dictionary to aid them in the task of translation. this scene was as silent as if all the figures had been shadows and the firelit apartment a picture: so hushed was it, i could hear the 176 fall from the grate, the clock tick in its obscure corner; and i even fancied i could distinguish the click- click of the woman's knitting-needles. when, therefore, a voice broke the strange stillness at last, it was audible enough to me.
"listen, diana," said one of the absorbed students; "franz and old daniel are together in the night-time, and franz is telling a dream from which he has 177 in terror--listen!" and in a low voice she read something, of which not one word was 178 to me; for it was in an unknown tongue--neither french nor latin. whether it were greek or german i could not tell.
"that is strong," she said, when she had finished: "i 179 it." the other girl, who had lifted her head to listen to her sister, repeated, while she gazed at the fire, a line of what had been read. at a later day, i knew the language and the book; therefore, i will here quote the line: though, when i first heard it, it was only like a stroke on sounding 180 to me--conveying no meaning:-
"'da trat hervor einer, anzusehen wie die sternen nacht.' good! good!" she exclaimed, while her dark and deep eye sparkled. "there you have a dim and mighty archangel fitly set before you! the line is worth a hundred pages of 181. 'ich wage die gedanken in der schale meines zornes und die werke mit dem gewichte meines grimms.' i like it!"
both were again silent.
"is there ony country where they talk i' that way?" asked the old woman, looking up from her knitting.
"yes, hannah--a far larger country than england, where they talk in no other way."
"well, for sure case, i knawn't how they can understand t' one t'other: and if either o' ye went there, ye could tell what they said, i guess?"
"we could probably tell something of what they said, but not all-- for we are not as clever as you think us, hannah. we don't speak german, and we cannot read it without a dictionary to help us."
"and what good does it do you?"
"we mean to teach it some time--or at least the elements, as they say; and then we shall get more money than we do now."
"varry like: but give ower studying; ye've done enough for to- night."
"i think we have: at least i'm tired. mary, are you?"
"mortally: after all, it's tough work fagging away at a language with no master but a 182."
"it is, especially such a language as this 183 but glorious deutsch. i wonder when st. john will come home."
"surely he will not be long now: it is just ten (looking at a little gold watch she drew from her girdle). it rains fast, hannah: will you have the goodness to look at the fire in the parlour?"
the woman rose: she opened a door, through which i dimly saw a passage: soon i heard her stir a fire in an inner room; she presently came back.
"ah, childer!" said she, "it fair troubles me to go into yond' room now: it looks so lonesome wi' the chair empty and set back in a corner."
she wiped her eyes with her 184: the two girls, grave before, looked sad now.
"but he is in a better place," continued hannah: "we shouldn't wish him here again. and then, nobody need to have a quieter death nor he had."
"you say he never mentioned us?" inquired one of the ladies.
"he hadn't time, bairn: he was gone in a minute, was your father. he had been a bit 117 like the day before, but naught to signify; and when mr. st. john asked if he would like either o' ye to be sent for, he fair laughed at him. he began again with a bit of a heaviness in his head the next day--that is, a fortnight sin'--and he went to sleep and niver wakened: he wor a'most 185 when your brother went into t' 186 and fand him. ah, childer! that's t' last o' t' old stock--for ye and mr. st. john is like of different soart to them 'at's gone; for all your mother wor mich i' your way, and a'most as book-learned. she wor the pictur' o' ye, mary: diana is more like your father."
i thought them so similar i could not tell where the old servant (for such i now concluded her to be) saw the difference. both were fair 187 and slenderly made; both possessed faces full of distinction and intelligence. one, to be sure, had hair a shade darker than the other, and there was a difference in their style of wearing it; mary's pale brown locks were parted and braided smooth: diana's duskier tresses covered her neck with thick curls. the clock struck ten.
"ye'll want your supper, i am sure," observed hannah; "and so will mr. st. john when he comes in."
and she proceeded to prepare the meal. the ladies rose; they seemed about to withdraw to the parlour. till this moment, i had been so intent on watching them, their appearance and conversation had excited in me so keen an interest, i had half-forgotten my own wretched position: now it 188 to me. more 189, more desperate than ever, it seemed from contrast. and how impossible did it appear to touch the inmates of this house with concern on my behalf; to make them believe in the truth of my wants and woes--to induce them to 190 a rest for my wanderings! as i groped out the door, and knocked at it hesitatingly, i felt that last idea to be a mere 191. hannah opened.
"what do you want?" she inquired, in a voice of surprise, as she surveyed me by the light of the candle she held.
"may i speak to your mistresses?" i said.
"you had better tell me what you have to say to them. where do you come from?"
"i am a stranger."
"what is your business here at this hour?"
"i want a night's shelter in an out-house or anywhere, and a morsel of bread to eat."
distrust, the very feeling i dreaded, appeared in hannah's face. "i'll give you a piece of bread," she said, after a pause; "but we can't take in a 192 to lodge. it isn't likely."
"do let me speak to your mistresses."
"no, not i. what can they do for you? you should not be roving about now; it looks very ill."
"but where shall i go if you drive me away? what shall i do?"
"oh, i'll warrant you know where to go and what to do. mind you don't do wrong, that's all. here is a penny; now go--"
"a penny cannot feed me, and i have no strength to go farther. don't shut the door:- oh, don't, for god's sake!"
"i must; the rain is driving in--"
"tell the young ladies. let me see them- "
"indeed, i will not. you are not what you ought to be, or you wouldn't make such a noise. move off."
"but i must die if i am turned away."
"not you. i'm fear'd you have some ill plans 193, that bring you about folk's houses at this time o' night. if you've any followers- -housebreakers or such like--anywhere near, you may tell them we are not by ourselves in the house; we have a gentleman, and dogs, and guns." here the honest but 194 servant clapped the door to and bolted it within.
this was the 195. a pang of 82 suffering--a throe of true despair--rent and heaved my heart. worn out, indeed, i was; not another step could i stir. i sank on the wet doorstep: i groaned-- i 196 my hands--i wept in utter 197. oh, this spectre of death! oh, this last hour, approaching in such horror! 198, this isolation--this 199 from my kind! not only the anchor of hope, but the footing of 200 was gone--at least for a moment; but the last i soon endeavoured to regain.
"i can but die," i said, "and i believe in god. let me try to wait his will in silence."
these words i not only thought, but uttered; and thrusting back all my 201 into my heart, i made an effort to compel it to remain there--dumb and still.
"all men must die," said a voice quite close at hand; "but all are not 202 to meet a lingering and 203 doom, such as yours would be if you perished here of want."
"who or what speaks?" i asked, terrified at the unexpected sound, and 204 now of 205 from any occurrence a hope of aid. a form was near--what form, the pitch-dark night and my enfeebled vision prevented me from distinguishing. with a loud long knock, the new-comer appealed to the door.
"is it you, mr. st. john?" cried hannah.
"yes--yes; open quickly."
"well, how wet and cold you must be, such a wild night as it is! come in--your sisters are quite uneasy about you, and i believe there are bad folks about. there has been a beggar-woman--i declare she is not gone yet!--laid down there. get up! for shame! move off, i say!"
"175, hannah! i have a word to say to the woman. you have done your duty in excluding, now let me do mine in admitting her. i was near, and listened to both you and her. i think this is a 206 case--i must at least examine into it. young woman, rise, and pass before me into the house."
with difficulty i obeyed him. presently i stood within that clean, bright kitchen--on the very hearth--trembling, sickening; conscious of an aspect in the last degree ghastly, wild, and weather-beaten. the two ladies, their brother, mr. st. john, the old servant, were all gazing at me.
"st. john, who is it?" i heard one ask.
"i cannot tell: i found her at the door," was the reply.
"she does look white," said hannah.
"as white as clay or death," was responded. "she will fall: let her sit."
and indeed my head swam: i dropped, but a chair received me. i still possessed my senses, though just now i could not speak.
"perhaps a little water would restore her. hannah, fetch some. but she is worn to nothing. how very thin, and how very bloodless!"
"a mere spectre!"
"is she ill, or only 207?"
"famished, i think. hannah, is that milk? give it me, and a piece of bread."
diana (i knew her by the long curls which i saw 208 between me and the fire as she bent over me) broke some bread, dipped it in milk, and put it to my lips. her face was near mine: i saw there was pity in it, and i felt sympathy in her hurried breathing. in her simple words, too, the same balm-like emotion 209: "try to eat."
"yes--try," repeated mary gently; and mary's hand removed my 210 211 and lifted my head. i tasted what they offered me: feebly at first, eagerly soon.
"not too much at first--restrain her," said the brother; "she has had enough." and he withdrew the cup of milk and the plate of bread.
"a little more, st. john--look at the avidity in her eyes."
"no more at present, sister. try if she can speak now--ask her her name."
i felt i could speak, and i answered--"my name is jane elliott." anxious as ever to avoid discovery, i had before resolved to assume an 212.
"and where do you live? where are your friends?"
i was silent.
"can we send for any one you know?"
i shook my head.
"what account can you give of yourself?"
somehow, now that i had once crossed the threshold of this house, and once was brought face to face with its owners, i felt no longer outcast, vagrant, and disowned by the wide world. i dared to put off the mendicant--to resume my natural manner and character. i began once more to know myself; and when mr. st. john demanded an account--which at present i was far too weak to render--i said after a brief pause -
"sir, i can give you no details to-night."
"but what, then," said he, "do you expect me to do for you?"
"nothing," i replied. my strength sufficed for but short answers. diana took the word -
"do you mean," she asked, "that we have now given you what aid you require? and that we may dismiss you to the moor and the rainy night?"
i looked at her. she had, i thought, a 213 214, instinct both with power and goodness. i took sudden courage. answering her 215 gate with a smile, i said--"i will trust you. if i were a masterless and stray dog, i know that you would not turn me from your hearth to-night: as it is, i really have no fear. do with me and for me as you like; but excuse me from much discourse--my breath is short--i feel a 216 when i speak." all three surveyed me, and all three were silent.
"hannah," said mr. st. john, at last, "let her sit there at present, and ask her no questions; in ten minutes more, give her the remainder of that milk and bread. mary and diana, let us go into the parlour and talk the matter over."
they withdrew. very soon one of the ladies returned--i could not tell which. a kind of pleasant 217 was stealing over me as i sat by the 218 fire. in an undertone she gave some directions to hannah. ere long, with the servant's aid, i 219 to mount a staircase; my dripping clothes were removed; soon a warm, dry bed received me. i thanked god--experienced amidst unutterable 220 a glow of grateful joy--and slept.
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