hitherto i have recorded in detail the events of my 1 existence: to the first ten years of my life i have given almost as many chapters. but this is not to be a regular 2. i am only bound to 3 memory where i know her responses will possess some degree of interest; therefore i now pass a space of eight years almost in silence: a few lines only are necessary to keep up the links of connection.
when the typhus fever had fulfilled its mission of 4 at lowood, it gradually disappeared from thence; but not till its 5 and the number of its victims had 6 public attention on the school. 7 was made into the origin of the 8, and by degrees various facts came out which excited public indignation in a high degree. the unhealthy nature of the site; the quantity and quality of the children's food; the 9, fetid water used in its preparation; the pupils' wretched clothing and accommodations--all these things were discovered, and the discovery produced a result 10 to mr. brocklehurst, but beneficial to the institution.
several wealthy and 11 individuals in the county 12 largely for the erection of a more convenient building in a better situation; new regulations were made; improvements in diet and clothing introduced; the funds of the school were intrusted to the management of a committee. mr. brocklehurst, who, from his wealth and family connections, could not be overlooked, still retained the post of 13; but he was aided in the discharge of his duties by gentlemen of rather more enlarged and sympathising minds: his office of 14, too, was shared by those who knew how to combine reason with strictness, comfort with economy, 15 with uprightness. the school, thus improved, became in time a truly useful and noble institution. i remained an 16 of its walls, after its regeneration, for eight years: six as pupil, and two as teacher; and in both capacities i bear my 17 to its value and importance.
during these eight years my life was uniform: but not unhappy, because it was not inactive. i had the means of an excellent education placed within my reach; a fondness for some of my studies, and a desire to excel in all, together with a great delight in pleasing my teachers, especially such as i loved, urged me on: i availed myself 18 of the advantages offered me. in time i rose to be the first girl of the first class; then i was invested with the office of teacher; which i discharged with 19 for two years: but at the end of that time i altered.
miss temple, through all changes, had thus far continued 20 of the seminary: to her instruction i owed the best part of my acquirements; her friendship and society had been my continual 21; she had stood me in the stead of mother, governess, and, latterly, companion. at this period she married, removed with her husband (a clergyman, an excellent man, almost 22 of such a wife) to a distant county, and consequently was lost to me.
from the day she left i was no longer the same: with her was gone every settled feeling, every association that had made lowood in some degree a home to me. i had 23 from her something of her nature and much of her habits: more 24 thoughts: what seemed better regulated feelings had become the 25 of my mind. i had given in allegiance to duty and order; i was quiet; i believed i was content: to the eyes of others, usually even to my own, i appeared a disciplined and 26 character.
but destiny, in the shape of the 27. mr. nasmyth, came between me and miss temple: i saw her in her travelling dress step into a post-chaise, shortly after the marriage ceremony; i watched the chaise mount the hill and disappear beyond its brow; and then 28 to my own room, and there spent in 29 the greatest part of the half-holiday granted in honour of the occasion.
i walked about the 30 most of the time. i imagined myself only to be regretting my loss, and thinking how to repair it; but when my reflections were concluded, and i looked up and found that the afternoon was gone, and evening far advanced, another discovery dawned on me, namely, that in the 31 i had undergone a transforming process; that my mind had put off all it had borrowed of miss temple--or rather that she had taken with her the 32 atmosphere i had been breathing in her vicinity--and that now i was left in my natural element, and beginning to feel the stirring of old emotions. it did not seem as if a 33 were 34, but rather as if a 35 were gone: it was not the power to be 36 which had failed me, but the reason for 37 was no more. my world had for some years been in lowood: my experience had been of its rules and systems; now i remembered that the real world was wide, and that a 38 field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had courage to go 39 into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its 40.
i went to my window, opened it, and looked out. there were the two wings of the building; there was the garden; there were the skirts of lowood; there was the hilly horizon. my eye passed all other objects to rest on those most remote, the blue peaks; it was those i longed to 41; all within their boundary of rock and heath seemed prison-ground, exile limits. i traced the white road 42 round the base of one mountain, and vanishing in a 43 between two; how i longed to follow it farther! i recalled the time when i had travelled that very road in a coach; i remembered 44 that hill at 45; an age seemed to have elapsed since the day which brought me first to lowood, and i had never quitted it since. my vacations had all been spent at school: mrs. reed had never sent for me to gateshead; neither she nor any of her family had ever been to visit me. i had had no communication by letter or message with the outer world: school-rules, school-duties, school-habits and notions, and voices, and faces, and phrases, and costumes, and preferences, and antipathies--such was what i knew of existence. and now i felt that it was not enough; i tired of the routine of eight years in one afternoon. i desired liberty; for liberty i 46; for liberty i uttered a prayer; it seemed 47 on the wind then faintly blowing. i abandoned it and framed a humbler 48; for change, 49: that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space: "then," i cried, half desperate, "grant me at least a new servitude!"
here a bell, ringing the hour of supper, called me downstairs.
i was not free to resume the interrupted chain of my reflections till bedtime: even then a teacher who occupied the same room with me kept me from the subject to which i longed to 50, by a prolonged effusion of small talk. how i wished sleep would silence her. it seemed as if, could i but go back to the idea which had last entered my mind as i stood at the window, some inventive suggestion would rise for my relief.
miss gryce snored at last; she was a heavy welshwoman, and till now her 51 nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any other light than as a nuisance; to-night i hailed the first deep notes with satisfaction; i was debarrassed of interruption; my half- 52 thought instantly revived.
"a new servitude! there is something in that," i soliloquised (mentally, be it understood; i did not talk aloud), "i know there is, because it does not sound too sweet; it is not like such words as liberty, excitement, 53: 54 sounds truly; but no more than sounds for me; and so hollow and 55 that it is 56 waste of time to listen to them. but servitude! that must be matter of fact. any one may serve: i have served here eight years; now all i want is to serve elsewhere. can i not get so much of my own will? is not the thing feasible? yes--yes--the end is not so difficult; if i had only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of 57 it."
i sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain: it was a 58 night; i covered my shoulders with a shawl, and then i proceeded to think again with all my might.
"what do i want? a new place, in a new house, amongst new faces, under new circumstances: i want this because it is of no use wanting anything better. how do people do to get a new place? they apply to friends, i suppose: i have no friends. there are many others who have no friends, who must look about for themselves and be their own helpers; and what is their resource?"
i could not tell: nothing answered me; i then ordered my brain to find a response, and quickly. it worked and worked faster: i felt the pulses 59 in my head and temples; but for nearly an hour it worked in 60; and no result came of its efforts. 61 with vain labour, i got up and took a turn in the room; undrew the curtain, 62 a star or two, shivered with cold, and again crept to bed.
a kind fairy, in my absence, had surely dropped the required suggestion on my pillow; for as i lay down, it came quietly and naturally to my mind.--"those who want situations advertise; you must advertise in the -shire 63."
"how? i know nothing about 64."
replies rose smooth and prompt now:-
"you must enclose the advertisement and the money to pay for it under a cover directed to the editor of the herald; you must put it, the first opportunity you have, into the post at lowton; answers must be addressed to j.e., at the post-office there; you can go and inquire in about a week after you send your letter, if any are come, and act accordingly."
this scheme i went over twice, thrice; it was then digested in my mind; i had it in a clear practical form: i felt satisfied, and fell asleep.
with earliest day, i was up: i had my advertisement written, enclosed, and directed before the bell rang to rouse the school; it ran thus:-
"a young lady accustomed to tuition" (had i not been a teacher two years?) "is desirous of meeting with a situation in a private family where the children are under fourteen (i thought that as i was barely eighteen, it would not do to undertake the guidance of pupils nearer my own age). she is 65 to teach the usual branches of a good english education, together with french, drawing, and music" (in those days, reader, this now narrow catalogue of 66, would have been held tolerably comprehensive). "address, j.e., post-office, lowton, -shire."
this document remained locked in my drawer all day: after tea, i asked leave of the new superintendent to go to lowton, in order to perform some small commissions for myself and one or two of my fellow-teachers; permission was readily granted; i went. it was a walk of two miles, and the evening was wet, but the days were still long; i visited a shop or two, slipped the letter into the post- office, and came back through heavy rain, with streaming garments, but with a relieved heart.
the succeeding week seemed long: it came to an end at last, however, like all sublunary things, and once more, towards the close of a pleasant autumn day, i found myself afoot on the road to lowton. a 67 track it was, by the way; lying along the side of the beck and through the sweetest curves of the dale: but that day i thought more of the letters, that might or might not be awaiting me at the little burgh whither i was bound, than of the charms of lea and water.
my 68 errand on this occasion was to get measured for a pair of shoes; so i discharged that business first, and when it was done, i stepped across the clean and quiet little street from the shoemaker's to the post-office: it was kept by an old 69, who wore horn spectacles on her nose, and black 70 on her hands.
"are there any letters for j.e.?" i asked.
she peered at me over her spectacles, and then she opened a drawer and 71 among its contents for a long time, so long that my hopes began to 72. at last, having held a document before her glasses for nearly five minutes, she presented it across the counter, accompanying the act by another 73 and mistrustful glance--it was for j.e.
"is there only one?" i demanded.
"there are no more," said she; and i put it in my pocket and turned my face homeward: i could not open it then; rules obliged me to be back by eight, and it was already half-past seven.
various duties awaited me on my arrival. i had to sit with the girls during their hour of study; then it was my turn to read prayers; to see them to bed: afterwards i supped with the other teachers. even when we finally retired for the night, the 74 miss gryce was still my companion: we had only a short end of candle in our candlestick, and i 75 lest she should talk till it was all burnt out; fortunately, however, the heavy supper she had eaten produced a soporific effect: she was already snoring before i had finished undressing. there still remained an inch of candle: i now took out my letter; the seal was an initial f.; i broke it; the contents were brief.
"if j.e., who advertised in the -shire herald of last thursday, possesses the acquirements mentioned, and if she is in a position to give satisfactory references as to character and competency, a situation can be offered her where there is but one pupil, a little girl, under ten years of age; and where the salary is thirty pounds per annum. j.e. is requested to send references, name, address, and all particulars to the direction:-
"mrs. fairfax, thornfield, near millcote, -shire."
i examined the document long: the writing was old-fashioned and rather uncertain, like that of in elderly lady. this circumstance was satisfactory: a private fear had haunted me, that in thus 76 for myself, and by my own guidance, i ran the risk of getting into some scrape; and, above all things, i wished the result of my endeavours to be respectable, proper, en regle. i now felt that an elderly lady was no bad ingredient in the business i had on hand. mrs. fairfax! i saw her in a black gown and widow's cap; 77, perhaps, but not uncivil: a model of elderly english respectability. thornfield! that, doubtless, was the name of her house: a neat orderly spot, i was sure; though i failed in my efforts to conceive a correct plan of the 78. millcote, - shire; i brushed up my recollections of the map of england, yes, i saw it; both the shire and the town. -shire was seventy miles nearer london than the remote county where i now resided: that was a recommendation to me. i longed to go where there was life and movement: millcote was a large manufacturing town on the banks of the a-; a busy place enough, doubtless: so much the better; it would be a complete change at least. not that my fancy was much captivated by the idea of long chimneys and clouds of smoke--"but," i argued, "thornfield will, probably, be a good way from the town."
here the 79 of the candle dropped, and the wick went out.
next day new steps were to be taken; my plans could no longer be confined to my own breast; i must impart them in order to achieve their success. having sought and obtained an audience of the superintendent during the noontide recreation, i told her i had a 80 of getting a new situation where the salary would be double what i now received (for at lowood i only got 15 pounds per annum); and requested she would break the matter for me to mr. brocklehurst, or some of the committee, and 81 whether they would permit me to mention them as references. she obligingly consented to act as mediatrix in the matter. the next day she laid the affair before mr. brocklehurst, who said that mrs. reed must be written to, as she was my natural 82. a note was accordingly addressed to that lady, who returned for answer, that "i might do as i pleased: she had long 83 all interference in my affairs." this note went the round of the committee, and at last, after what appeared to me most tedious delay, formal leave was given me to better my condition if i could; and an assurance added, that as i had always conducted myself well, both as teacher and pupil, at lowood, a testimonial of character and capacity, signed by the 84 of that institution, should forthwith be furnished me.
this testimonial i accordingly received in about a month, forwarded a copy of it to mrs. fairfax, and got that lady's reply, stating that she was satisfied, and fixing that day fortnight as the period for my assuming the post of governess in her house.
i now busied myself in preparations: the fortnight passed rapidly. i had not a very large wardrobe, though it was adequate to my wants; and the last day sufficed to pack my trunk,--the same i had brought with me eight years ago from gateshead.
the box was corded, the card nailed on. in half-an-hour the carrier was to call for it to take it to lowton, whether i myself was to repair at an early hour the next morning to meet the coach. i had brushed my black stuff travelling-dress, prepared my 85, gloves, and muff; sought in all my drawers to see that no article was left behind; and now having nothing more to do, i sat down and tried to rest. i could not; though i had been on foot all day, i could not now 86 an instant; i was too much excited. a phase of my life was closing to-night, a new one opening to-morrow: impossible to 87 in the interval; i must watch 88 while the change was being 89.
"miss," said a servant who met me in the lobby, where i was wandering like a troubled spirit, "a person below wishes to see you."
"the carrier, no doubt," i thought, and ran downstairs without inquiry. i was passing the back-parlour or teachers' 90, the door of which was half open, to go to the kitchen, when some one ran out -
"it's her, i am sure!--i could have told her anywhere!" cried the individual who stopped my progress and took my hand.
i looked: i saw a woman 91 like a well-dressed servant, matronly, yet still young; very good-looking, with black hair and eyes, and lively 92.
"well, who is it?" she asked, in a voice and with a smile i half recognised; "you've not quite forgotten me, i think, miss jane?"
in another second i was embracing and kissing her rapturously: "bessie! bessie! bessie!" that was all i said; whereat she half laughed, half cried, and we both went into the parlour. by the fire stood a little fellow of three years old, in plaid frock and trousers.
"that is my little boy," said bessie directly.
"then you are married, bessie?"
"yes; nearly five years since to robert 93, the coachman; and i've a little girl besides bobby there, that i've christened jane."
"and you don't live at gateshead?"
"i live at the 94: the old porter has left."
"well, and how do they all get on? tell me everything about them, bessie: but sit down first; and, bobby, come and sit on my knee, will you?" but bobby preferred sidling over to his mother.
"you're not grown so very tall, miss jane, nor so very 95," continued mrs. leaven. "i dare say they've not kept you too well at school: miss reed is the head and shoulders taller than you are; and miss georgiana would make two of you in breadth."
"georgiana is handsome, i suppose, bessie?"
"very. she went up to london last winter with her mama, and there everybody admired her, and a young lord fell in love with her: but his relations were against the match; and--what do you think?--he and miss georgiana made it up to run away; but they were found out and stopped. it was miss reed that found them out: i believe she was 96; and now she and her sister lead a cat and dog life together; they are always quarrelling--"
"well, and what of john reed?"
"oh, he is not doing so well as his mama could wish. he went to college, and he got--plucked, i think they call it: and then his uncles wanted him to be a barrister, and study the law: but he is such a dissipated young man, they will never make much of him, i think."
"what does he look like?"
"he is very tall: some people call him a fine-looking young man; but he has such thick lips."
"and mrs. reed?"
"missis looks stout and well enough in the face, but i think she's not quite easy in her mind: mr. john's conduct does not please her- -he spends a deal of money."
"did she send you here, bessie?"
"no, indeed: but i have long wanted to see you, and when i heard that there had been a letter from you, and that you were going to another part of the country, i thought i'd just set of, and get a look at you before you were quite out of my reach."
"i am afraid you are disappointed in me, bessie." i said this laughing: i perceived that bessie's glance, though it expressed regard, did in no shape denote 97.
"no, miss jane, not exactly: you are genteel enough; you look like a lady, and it is as much as ever i expected of you: you were no beauty as a child."
i smiled at bessie's frank answer: i felt that it was correct, but i confess i was not quite indifferent to its import: at eighteen most people wish to please, and the conviction that they have not an 98 likely to second that desire brings anything but gratification.
"i dare say you are clever, though," continued bessie, by way of solace. "what can you do? can you play on the piano?"
"a little."
there was one in the room; bessie went and opened it, and then asked me to sit down and give her a 99: i played a waltz or two, and she was charmed.
"the miss reeds could not play as well!" said she 100. "i always said you would surpass them in learning: and can you draw?"
"that is one of my paintings over the chimney-piece." it was a landscape in water colours, of which i had made a present to the superintendent, in acknowledgment of her obliging 101 with the committee on my behalf, and which she had framed and 102.
"well, that is beautiful, miss jane! it is as fine a picture as any miss reed's drawing-master could paint, let alone the young ladies themselves, who could not come near it: and have you learnt french?"
"yes, bessie, i can both read it and speak it."
"and you can work on muslin and canvas?"
"i can."
"oh, you are quite a lady, miss jane! i knew you would be: you will get on whether your relations notice you or not. there was something i wanted to ask you. have you ever heard anything from your father's kinsfolk, the eyres?"
"never in my life."
"well, you know missis always said they were poor and quite despicable: and they may be poor; but i believe they are as much 103 as the reeds are; for one day, nearly seven years ago, a mr. eyre came to gateshead and wanted to see you; missis said you were it school fifty miles off; he seemed so much disappointed, for he could not stay: he was going on a voyage to a foreign country, and the ship was to sail from london in a day or two. he looked quite a gentleman, and i believe he was your father's brother."
"what foreign country was he going to, bessie?"
"an island thousands of miles off, where they make wine--the butler did tell me--"
"madeira?" i suggested.
"yes, that is it--that is the very word."
"so he went?"
"yes; he did not stay many minutes in the house: missis was very high with him; she called him afterwards a '104 tradesman.' my robert believes he was a wine-merchant."
"very likely," i returned; "or perhaps clerk or agent to a wine- merchant."
bessie and i 105 about old times an hour longer, and then she was obliged to leave me: i saw her again for a few minutes the next morning at lowton, while i was waiting for the coach. we parted finally at the door of the brocklehurst arms there: each went her separate way; she set off for the brow of lowood fell to meet the 106 which was to take her back to gateshead, i mounted the vehicle which was to bear me to new duties and a new life in the unknown environs of millcote.
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